How important is it to understand someone – I mean really understand them? My Nan used to tell me (and anyone else who would listen for that matter) that she and her sister were the prettiest girls in Kyogle (country town in northern nsw for those who haven’t a clue where it is). I also can’t forget to mention her other most repeated story – she was related to Dame Elizabeth Taylor. Regardless of the topic (usually about her), there was nothing she wouldn’t talk about. My mother-in-law was a similar type of person to my Nan – she could talk till the cows came home about anything and everything. I thought I knew everything about her too – then she died.
I’m obviously not blaming her for dying – I’m no saint but that is one step too far even for moi! I just happened to be at her funeral (as you do) a few weeks ago when I found out something shocking about her. No, she didn’t have a secret life as a Granny drug dealer nor was she working for the MI6 (although I’m sure she would have made a splendid M in one of the Bond films or failing that a very good Mrs Mangel if Neighbours were to ever recast that role). But she did have a secret. Apparently, she was part of the team that developed the contraceptive pill. Like wow – how did this topic get superseded by all those other stories about her going to the local shops? Am I that self absorbed (or so into shopping) that she didn’t feel I would want to hear all about it?
The moment that I heard this new bit of information, I sat and contemplated lots of things which centred pretty much on why didn’t she talk about being part of an amazing medical advancement? After thinking nasty thoughts of myself (oh and multi tasking at the same time - I was still at her funeral!), the picture got a little worse. Her own children didn’t even know! Yes indeed, so it’s fair to say that I don’t feel so bad now but still the question remains - how did this information go unnoticed? Why would the woman I had known for almost 15 years neglect to tell me, let alone her own two children, something as cool as this?
Now don’t go and conjure up a picture of me not listening to her stories or even neglecting to talk about things that mattered to her. I think I heard a million stories (loads of repeats but still I listened). From who was doing what, her social outings, who was the most recent person to peeve her off, her shopping expeditions, her travels around the world, her old partying escapades, and the list goes on. So how can someone I had many conversations with not think that being part of medical history wasn’t worth boasting about? Then it got me thinking – how can you be expected to really know someone if they don’t fill you in on everything?
Well, I have the answer – you can’t, it’s not my fault and I’m not a bad person. She should have told me and the rest of the family what she did – you can’t go around thinking everyone is holding out on you with interesting information, can you? I have only used probing questions in interview scenarios (oh and for girlfriends who are notorious for not sharing gossip), but it never ever crossed my mind that I should also use the technique to extract the most inner thoughts and experiences from friends and family. Then the story turned a wee bit worse recently. After discussing my mother-in-law’s contribution to medicine with my father-in-law last weekend, he decides to add another guilty blow to my already injured ego – he was part of the team to develop the first ever foetal heart rate monitor. Yep another bit of information I seemed to have stumbled upon by accident, and so the seed was sewn for this post.
I have been known to turn up with a list of questions when catching up with certain friends (the ones that are very very good at changing the subject). I have only had to resort to this a couple of times as I believe that I can’t expect to be a true friend if I don’t even know who they are dating. One friend comes to mind (Kate) who I took this exact approach with (she is probably still in therapy at the experience) – think turning up on her doorstep with an A4 sheet of paper full of questions double sided. Needless to say, I knew Kate was holding out on me with said information but I never had any inkling that my in-laws were as well.
I used to think that there were two types of people: (i) people who constantly talked about their favourite subject - themselves (the anal boaster), and (ii) people who didn’t unless there was something worthy to boast about (the considerate boaster). I have now added a third category I’d like to label ‘the vaults’ (for obvious reasons).
For the record I’m one of the ‘considerates’ (unless I get a book deal then my behaviour might resemble an ‘anal’ for a short period I promise!), but it feels like everyone else at the moment could be a potential ‘vault’. Do I have to resort to turning up on their doorsteps with prepared questions so I don’t feel so rubbish again for not knowing vital information about them (forget their blood type I’m talking about their own involvement in global domination etc). My friend Kate is probably going to change her address upon reading that I might have take 2 with her (funny to do but not the long term solution I’m hoping for). So I guess the solution will have to be in the form of this three stage approach:
i. when next catching up with friends and family I will ask them straight out what amazing things they have done so far in their lives (ending with a warning similar to those used in financial advertisements – if they hold out on important information it’s their fault and not mine);
ii. hope they get the message when they read this post and know that I’m on my way; and
iii. if I feel I’m not getting the necessary information I want from them, the only thing left to do it spy on them. My abilities at this will most likely resemble a really bad version of Maxwell Smart but a gal has to do something if she is to find things out.
For the interim, it looks like I have to take a business plan approach to my personal life and address what things people have been holding out from me. I can’t do anything about those that have gone to the pearly gates (bless their cotton socks!), but I can at least give it a go with the ones still kicking around on this lovely planet. Who knows, I may even be able to turn some of those ‘vaults’ into ‘considerates’, but hopefully stopping them just shy of turning into an annoying ‘anal’. BTW – avoid these people like the plague, cross streets to avoid bumping into them – you get the drift!
So who’d have thought a death of a loved one could cause me this much emotional turmoil (forget being six feet under, it’s all about me remember!). I guess because of her though, I am on another mission (Santa’s list is nothing compared to mine) to turn things around and make me a better person. So try what you like to avoid me, but I’m on a mission and God help you if you get in my way! Tx
I’m obviously not blaming her for dying – I’m no saint but that is one step too far even for moi! I just happened to be at her funeral (as you do) a few weeks ago when I found out something shocking about her. No, she didn’t have a secret life as a Granny drug dealer nor was she working for the MI6 (although I’m sure she would have made a splendid M in one of the Bond films or failing that a very good Mrs Mangel if Neighbours were to ever recast that role). But she did have a secret. Apparently, she was part of the team that developed the contraceptive pill. Like wow – how did this topic get superseded by all those other stories about her going to the local shops? Am I that self absorbed (or so into shopping) that she didn’t feel I would want to hear all about it?
The moment that I heard this new bit of information, I sat and contemplated lots of things which centred pretty much on why didn’t she talk about being part of an amazing medical advancement? After thinking nasty thoughts of myself (oh and multi tasking at the same time - I was still at her funeral!), the picture got a little worse. Her own children didn’t even know! Yes indeed, so it’s fair to say that I don’t feel so bad now but still the question remains - how did this information go unnoticed? Why would the woman I had known for almost 15 years neglect to tell me, let alone her own two children, something as cool as this?
Now don’t go and conjure up a picture of me not listening to her stories or even neglecting to talk about things that mattered to her. I think I heard a million stories (loads of repeats but still I listened). From who was doing what, her social outings, who was the most recent person to peeve her off, her shopping expeditions, her travels around the world, her old partying escapades, and the list goes on. So how can someone I had many conversations with not think that being part of medical history wasn’t worth boasting about? Then it got me thinking – how can you be expected to really know someone if they don’t fill you in on everything?
Well, I have the answer – you can’t, it’s not my fault and I’m not a bad person. She should have told me and the rest of the family what she did – you can’t go around thinking everyone is holding out on you with interesting information, can you? I have only used probing questions in interview scenarios (oh and for girlfriends who are notorious for not sharing gossip), but it never ever crossed my mind that I should also use the technique to extract the most inner thoughts and experiences from friends and family. Then the story turned a wee bit worse recently. After discussing my mother-in-law’s contribution to medicine with my father-in-law last weekend, he decides to add another guilty blow to my already injured ego – he was part of the team to develop the first ever foetal heart rate monitor. Yep another bit of information I seemed to have stumbled upon by accident, and so the seed was sewn for this post.
I have been known to turn up with a list of questions when catching up with certain friends (the ones that are very very good at changing the subject). I have only had to resort to this a couple of times as I believe that I can’t expect to be a true friend if I don’t even know who they are dating. One friend comes to mind (Kate) who I took this exact approach with (she is probably still in therapy at the experience) – think turning up on her doorstep with an A4 sheet of paper full of questions double sided. Needless to say, I knew Kate was holding out on me with said information but I never had any inkling that my in-laws were as well.
I used to think that there were two types of people: (i) people who constantly talked about their favourite subject - themselves (the anal boaster), and (ii) people who didn’t unless there was something worthy to boast about (the considerate boaster). I have now added a third category I’d like to label ‘the vaults’ (for obvious reasons).
For the record I’m one of the ‘considerates’ (unless I get a book deal then my behaviour might resemble an ‘anal’ for a short period I promise!), but it feels like everyone else at the moment could be a potential ‘vault’. Do I have to resort to turning up on their doorsteps with prepared questions so I don’t feel so rubbish again for not knowing vital information about them (forget their blood type I’m talking about their own involvement in global domination etc). My friend Kate is probably going to change her address upon reading that I might have take 2 with her (funny to do but not the long term solution I’m hoping for). So I guess the solution will have to be in the form of this three stage approach:
i. when next catching up with friends and family I will ask them straight out what amazing things they have done so far in their lives (ending with a warning similar to those used in financial advertisements – if they hold out on important information it’s their fault and not mine);
ii. hope they get the message when they read this post and know that I’m on my way; and
iii. if I feel I’m not getting the necessary information I want from them, the only thing left to do it spy on them. My abilities at this will most likely resemble a really bad version of Maxwell Smart but a gal has to do something if she is to find things out.
For the interim, it looks like I have to take a business plan approach to my personal life and address what things people have been holding out from me. I can’t do anything about those that have gone to the pearly gates (bless their cotton socks!), but I can at least give it a go with the ones still kicking around on this lovely planet. Who knows, I may even be able to turn some of those ‘vaults’ into ‘considerates’, but hopefully stopping them just shy of turning into an annoying ‘anal’. BTW – avoid these people like the plague, cross streets to avoid bumping into them – you get the drift!
So who’d have thought a death of a loved one could cause me this much emotional turmoil (forget being six feet under, it’s all about me remember!). I guess because of her though, I am on another mission (Santa’s list is nothing compared to mine) to turn things around and make me a better person. So try what you like to avoid me, but I’m on a mission and God help you if you get in my way! Tx
Dedicated to all those friends and family I’m about to annoy
3 comments:
So what about your story! Don't forget you also have a story to tell and to pass on....
I wonder what my story will read like?
I knew I should have kept a diary, oh, who am I kidding I am a lazy sod who has bad spelling and an addictive nature.
Chapter 1.....When I was conceived...
Awwhh! "Steele Magnolias" one of my fav movies. Just love the girlie friendship and loyalty. I love my hubby and what is better he tells me he loves me heaps. Now that makes me smile. Still got the wrinkles though and saggy bits 'n pieces. Can't have everything.
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